Thursday, 26 July 2012

That feeling of emptiness.

My heart is a bottomless chasm. And I seem to keep falling in it. Over and over again.
I keep groping for something to hold helplessly, while I fall, slowly and surely. But I know for a fact that the things and people that once helped me keep my feet on terra firma are either gradually walking out, or are just beyond my reach now.
Just when I think I've found my place in this world, just when I experience a moment of sheer bliss, something or the other makes me realize that happiness for me is just a momentary phenomenon. Maybe I over think things. Maybe I try to read between the lines when there's actually nothing there for me to read. Or maybe I just have waaay too much spare time at the moment. And I'm sure you know all about the connection between idle minds and the devil.
So maybe crying out loud after watching a movie from the Step Up series, or an episode of So You Think You Can Dance is abnormal behavior. It's a pity that's all that comes naturally to me now. What else is one supposed to do when after years of knowing that Dancing is actually what defines you, you're told that you probably won't ever dance in life again? What else am I supposed to do when even after paying for my dance classes for almost 7 years, my mother thinks that dancing was the reason for my academic downfall in the 11th and 12th grade? WHAT exactly am I supposed to do NOW, when I KNOW that all those years of dance training have been wiped from my body's memory in just a matter of one and a half years? I cannot BEGIN to describe this feeling. It's like I don't know who I am anymore. There was ONE thing I could do. One thing I was actually known for. I had my share of ups and downs and through everything, dance was always there for me. I danced to express every emotion possible. It helped me out with my temper issues, it cheered me up when I thought life really wasn't worth living. In the outside world I was yet another face in the crowd. but in the dance class I was SOMEBODY. I want to be THAT somebody again. Pray for me, please?

19 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. It's not just you babe, everyone goes through this phase, I am.

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  3. I am going through it right now*

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    Replies
    1. It's worse than you can imagine.

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  4. I pray you can get back to dancing now when you're in college. Why so serious? :)

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    1. Because it's actually hurting me. Mentally and physically. And I don't know what to do about it! I really hope I do NG, I really do!

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  5. the movies you have mentioned are pretty much amazing.. L♥ve to watch those feet-flapping movies...

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  6. I know that feeling when one really wants to do something and are told not to. And it sucks, really.
    But, if we just back down, then it is exactly falling into a bottomless chasm, which I think you are not doing.
    And dancing, I love it, but not that good.

    So, Add another prayer from my side.
    Way to go. :)
    Take Care. :)

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  7. Wow! Writing straight from the heart , writing it as it is...I feel for you. There is one constant factor that keeps us alive amidst all ups and downs and that is -our passion. For you, it is dancing, for me, it is art. The soul finds solace in it, the soul feels "I am at home" when I paint. So, Keep dancing , if not professionally then at any time,any place, and at any age...in your room , in the balcony, in the garden...in between exams and studies...keep dancing even if you reach the age of 60 or 90 ! Keep dancing, it is good for your spirit.

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    1. Those are beautiful words! :) That's exactly what I used to think earlier. I assumed that since I was so passionate about dancing, I would dance till my last breath! But circumstances aren't really allowing me to fulfill that dream of mine!

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  8. I won't pray if you decide to just bank on wishes girl. Take up the activity of dancing again, rust falls off as the body tapers and twists again. Find your rigor, find your rhythm, one and a half year matters not, see how many years dancing would add up from today :)

    Best of luck!


    Blasphemous Aesthete

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    1. You're absolutely right ofcourse. But it's impossible to convince my mother. I guess I'll probably have to start asking people to send texts to her, asking her to let me dance again! :|

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    2. Psst! College gives ample opportunity :)

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  9. So who says you cant do it anymore? Who is stopping you from dancing now? OK. I get it, you probably cant go to dance class because parents, grades, college and all that jazz. But you know what? A true dancer can dance to no music, even on something like a terrace. Or a balcony. Or just in front of the mirror. Think of steps when listening to music on their way back home after a long day. :) Call it dance break or something. I danced again for my college fest after YEARS, and that feeling was beyond amazing. Trust me, it is never too late to be what you could have been. :)

    And Melanie & Marko will ALWAYS be my favorite SYTYCD couple. <3 :)

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    1. But the thing is, I want to LEARN! I've had seven years of dance training, but the hunger for knowledge never dies! And that is what's frustrating me the most!
      And yes, Melanie is indeed one of the best dancers that SYTYCD has seen :)

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    ReplyDelete

Why you no comment? Waaaaaaaa :(