Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Listen. I'm Weird. Deal With It.

Hello once again fellow unfortunate souls,

The worst is over. Oooverr. Phew. I am going to be very frank with you,oh yes. There is as much of a chance of me passing mathematics as there is of Dolly Bindra becoming a Ballerina. Sheesh,imagining THAT sent a chill down my spine. But that's the last thing I might be worried about right now. The issue ruling over my life at this moment is HOW,I mean HOW can people totally overlook Pure, unadulterated AWESOMENESS at times. Makes me feel the world is a sad place  after all. You see, the conversation I had with my best friend a while ago disturbed the shit out of me,if that makes any sense whatsoever,
Bee.Aff.Aff : Sooo,how was the party? Where was it?
Moi : It was totally Lalala types.(A less known synonym for Awesome) At Dipinder Paaji's!
Bee.Aff.Aff : Uhh who?
Moi : Arrey apni,wohi, Dipnaa!
Bee.Aff.Aff : Huh?
Moi :(irritatedly) Dipin. (Fullstop=I am pissed. Ask me what's wrong ASAP,if and only if you love the position of your head on your torso)
Bee. Aff. Aff : Could'nt you say THAT in the first place? Who all came?
Moi : Popkorn, Santa, Sushi, Sukhambi, Cheeku...
Bee Aff. Aff :(Interrupts. Bite me)ACTUAL names please?
Moi : Are you exceptionally slow? How many times have I told you their actual names?
Bee. Aff. Aff : Unn sab ki maa ne itna pyaar se naam rakha hai. It won't kill you if you address them NORMALLY for once.
*No reply*

Even your best friend tends to ignore the most crucial things about you at times. For the rest of you who wish to remain in my good books forever,there is one fact that needs to be kept in mind at ALL times. I am extremely possessive about the "Pet names" I come up with. Mocking at me for something like this would be the last thing you'd want to do. Like seriously.
Well actually,here's a list. You might aswell judge for yourself. Comment only if you have something nice to say. :P 

Chhotaa baby
Tingy baby
Chintu Pintu
Bee. Ee
Sindhi bhai
Dipinder Paaji
Lambe Kaan wala
Gujju Seth
Teddy Adi

Are'nt they like the Awesommest names EVER? :P
I mean who the hell likes to be called by the same old Ghissa-Pitta  names they've been responding to since like forever. EVERYBODY calls you Rahul. WHO will call you Hukie? Everybody's always known you're so and so person. And your name's Ashna. But CHEEKU? Does'nt it make you feel all cute? :P Mums find the easiest way out. When you were born,she very conveniently started calling you Pannu, short for Pranav. But who could have thought one fine day you'll be called Popkorn?
There's a simple logic behind  all of this. People walk in and out of your life all the goddamn time. You meet new people,you roll your eyes at a few, and you silently accept a few into your Small World. When I rechristen someone,it's simply a way of saying "Hi. I like you. You're welcome to become a part of my life :)"
And most of the times,the more pet names you have,the more important you are. So the next time you hear me shrieking "Jhinguuuuu" or calling you by that absurd,embarrassing name in front of a drop dread gorgeous chick(:P) or simply get an affectionate text from me saying "Chotaa baby :)", just go ahead and smile a bit for me,because well, it's just my way of saying -You matter. Hang on to me,will you? :)

Saturday, 5 March 2011

The B4 theory :P

Hello there fellas!
My english exam just got over today and I thought this might just be the most auspicious occasion for me to share a bit of my worldly knowledge with you. It's what we call The B4 theory. Lemme explain?

 I had the utter misfortune of enrolling into an institution for engineering coaching  roughly a year back. What the world knows as FIITJEE, is actually a place where young minds make decisions which can change the course of their lives-One,Commit suicide;Two;Let those bastards lead you to a slow,painful death. There's no other way out. Period. On a less bitter note, yes there indeed are two decisions you can make
1. Accept seclusion with resignation. 
THAT is what people in there strongly suggest. The various options in this way of life could be:

A .Become a different species all together, devoid of any social life. Or as I put it, ANY life.

B.Approach your nearest optician,buy yourself a pair of sturdy frames,and promise the guy to be his regular customer since you'll need to keep replacing the lenses with those of higher power over and over again,all thanks to all those books which my Gym-Freak of a cousin could probably use in place of those weights. Sturdy frames because you might want to bang your head around a lot of times, and please, getting them replaced again and again AND again would be such a pain in the ass. You could probably utilize all that time to tackle Fifty solid numericals of Physical chemistry. Screw you.

C. Abstinence. Well not LITERALLY but you know,dictate the terms and policies to your Estrogen/Testosterone charged selves and  swear to abide by them. No ladka-ladki lafdaa shafdaa,okay? Good boy/girl! *Pat self on the back*(Well that explains why sciencees end up being Hornier than the rest,right? Right? Well that's what my own personal experience tells me,what do you think?)

D.Well this is further divided for the males and females
I) Male fraternity:  Equip yourself with a lifetime supply of good old Nariyal Ka Tel and you're good to go! Stereotypical, I know, but that's the kind of guys i came across in there! There are always exceptions, ofcourse.
II)Female Sorority: Lets get this thing straight. You're not going to get into IIT on the basis of the color on your fingernails,or your waxed legs and well made eyebrows. So you can very well say Buh-Bye to them. Caution. In the process you might end up resembling your elder brother and distant uncles and aunts might suddenly render you speechless by addressing you as "Arrey Arun beta,tumhe toh bada time hogya dekhe?" till you,on the verge of tears,inform them in your squeaky voice about the terrible,Terrible mistake they just committed. But don't worry soldier, that tends to happen right? uhh NO?

E. Once you enroll,your parents start expecting you to become a hermit all together. The tearful goodbyes to the Guitars, and the Drum set, and the Jazz shoes and so on and so forth are a heart shattering sight. But yes, they expect you to leave your passions,your talents and "falana dhimkaana" far behind and "focus on your future". Fat chance.

F. Disconnect from the world. Amenities like the television,or the Internet start vanishing off from your life before you can even spell "Amenities"

It's kind of exaggerated,yes, but it's the way I feel at the moment alright? ALSO,there would be a lot of people who will have absolutely no qualms about adopting and adapting to this form of life, but then they are people who
1. Always dreamt of becoming engineers because they find it  interesting and fun(In the 17 years of my life there's just one person who came up with this explanation and who I believed. Aamir Khan in 3 idiots:P)
2. as a friend of mine once said,"Who's life begins and ends behind a desk. People who love crunching numbers for 14 hours a day because they get paid huge amounts which they spend on things they barely use." Bless that kid.

But we're delving too much into one point,let's move on to the second point because..
The second option is ofcourse Absofuckinglutely-  Wait For It   -FANTASTIC.

2. Tell. Them. To.  Kiss. Your. ASS.
Show them your pretty backside and walk off with dignity. That way you get to make your own decisions, explore all the possible avenues, and weell, Have a life! Loads of those places are just all about the advertisement. When they finally pull you into that patch of marshy land,THEN is when you realise that it's just a big fat money making industry at the end of the day. Being there is just like being in a pressure cooker(Just BTW,pressure is directly proportional to temperature,hence increase in pressure leads to increase in temperature which in turn leads to rise in tempers, which will most definitely result in arguments/fights,which in several cases lead to extreme frustration and "bhagwaan mujhe uthaalo"OR "bhagwaan ISSKO uthaalo" type dialogues. A little  extra trivia never hurts anyone,right? :) )

This might even give you a chance to be the perfect "Balanced Bastard",as we christened that brand of teenagers a while ago. A rare species, but with just the right amount of determination and passion,it's a way of life which i believe, is not difficult to achieve. Let me explain
[    ]    I study hard. Check
[    ]    I am open to ladka/ladki lafdaa shafdaas. Check
[    ]    My guitar "Jugnoo" and my soccer sneakers and my basketball and my Jazz pants are not locked away                        in the attic,tearfully awaiting my arrival, but are lying in my room like the Kohinoor in the Queen's crown. Check 
THAT is what i intend to do with my life ladies and gentlemen. YES. i am proud to finally announce that i have ridden myself off the menace of these faulty engineering institutions and that I intend to do something better with my life. Not that i am against Engineers,oh no most definitely not. Just that i never really thought it was something *I* wanted to do,or could be good at. And now that I have finally realized that my talent lies in some other field all together, I Feel Like I Am At The Top Of Thee World. :D
So that's the good news. I almost feel like the Father from those retro Bollywood movies going around with a box of laddoos in one hand  and shrieking"Mubaarak ho. Beta hua hai"  to anyone  who would listen.
But then wooohoo. I did it. And now I am happy.
But oh wait? I did'nt tell you about the B4 theory at all now, did I? Well for that, you'll have to wait for the next post machas. An element of surprise always helps,right? :)